Today, I see the psychiatrist. I'm going to ask him about either switching me to different medicine, or adding something to help the anxiety attacks, which I'm still having with some frequency, because I absolutely do NOT want to increase my dosage of the medicine I'm on now. Going off of Zoloft is horrific, and I fear that upping the dosage would only make it worse.
I was supposed to hang out with my buddy Jordan last night, but he didn't wind up getting back to Lexington until after 9. After 7 or so, when I hadn't heard from him, I decided it would be a great idea to watch season one of SATC and drink wine. By the time he finally called, I couldn't feel my lips anymore.
Perhaps tonight we shall hang out.
I've been dealing with some really weird issues and memories as of late, mostly concerning my dad and the way I deal with physical affection now. I may have already mentioned this, but when I was younger, he would show his disapproval of me by ignoring me for several days. He did the same thing to my mom. This is a memory that's only recently returned to me, but now I remember quite vividly craving a hug from him, and if he was mad at me, I'd go up to him and try to hug him, and he would turn stiff as a tree. He wouldn't even look at me.
Sometimes I'm okay with it now, and sometimes it becomes far too painful for me to think about.
The other thing that happened recently was this: Last night I was on the phone with Casey at roughly 2 am, since I couldn't sleep. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex, as most conversations with me are prone to do. Casey mentioned something about how every time he touches me there, I laugh.
That's not a laugh.
He asked what exactly it was, and I blurted out, "I'm afraid you're going to hurt me. It's going to hurt."
...Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have the real cause for Alyssa's lost orgasm.
What kind of therapy do you do for THAT?
And I bid you all adieu with that, as I must return to work, and at least TRY to look busy, in case Ester wakes up long enough to come back to my cubicle.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23