While I realize that expecting everyone in my life to remain static is about as fruitful as snipe hunting, I still crave order. I need things around me to be predictable.
And I, of all people, should understand change. My god, I've been through more identities than Madonna. But I hate getting close to someone and then learning that they have changed, or that I had just misunderstood them all along. I still remember visibly the first time it happened - with Lance. For those of you who haven't taken the journey, Lance was someone I was serious about for a long time. When we met, we couldn't have been more similar. I would dare to say that at the time, we had more in common than Matt and I do now. It was just that wild. And I had never encountered anything like it. Lance started dating someone, which ended up lasting for more than 2 years, and when they broke up, I thought, "Thank God, I've finally got my friend back." Only, he wasn't the same person. He was self-involved, drug-addicted, and the worst part was, he didn't care.
It broke my heart. And he still didn't care.
And to this day, a part of me is disgusted with any person who can stare at someone in front of them crying, someone they supposedly care about, with a stone face.
I will always be emotional, although I haven't always admitted it. And I will always be intuitive, though other people may not like it. And I will always be skeptical of any relationship, particularly with a man who comes across as sensitive, involved, and genuine, because my exerience tells me it will never last.
When a woman ends a relationship, she looks entirely inward. She reaches out and she reaches in. And while it may take time for her wounds to heal, she is capable of expressing love because that, in my opinion, is a fundamental value for women in our society.
Wen a man ends a relationship, he withdraws. And he is hardened and closed off for long periods of time.
And I don't know about the rest of you, but I don't have that long to wait. And I no longer care to be the person who receives the stony looks - the apathetic sighs when my emotions are leaking out.
"You built a nest inside my soul.
You rest your head on leaves of gold.
You managed to crawl inside my brain.
You found a hole and in you came.
You sleep like a baby breathing,
Comfortably between truth and pain.
But the truth is nothing's been the same
Since those three days.
Did you only want me for those three days?
Did you only need me for those three days?
Did you love me forever
just for those three days?" - Lucinda Williams
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23