At no time in my life have I felt more violated and less important of a person. That the time and energy I expend for everyone else in my life is for nothing. No, so they can use it to stab me in the back when I'm not looking.
I would advise most of you not to talk to me for the next couple of days. I'm so angry with some people right now I could literally light my computer on fire and piss on it.
I don't respond well to being told that my emotions aren't real. They are as real as the tears on my face. They are as real as my swollen nose. They are as real as the sobbing you can probably hear down the hall. They are REAL. And if my life doesn't apply to you, fucking stay out of it.
I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to, ever again, allow another person to bully me into not standing up for myself, for the things I think I deserve in life but have never had.
I deserve to be treated with enough respect to be approached directly.
I deserve to have my time be as meaningful as everyone else's.
I deserve friends in my life who won't take every available opporunity to talk about me when I'm not around, to stab me in the back when I'm at my weakest.
Did I have time for this? No. I'm wrapped up in doing three thousand other things, not the least of which is the fact that my responsibilities at work are piling up exponentially as we approach graduation. My class schedule has taken on a life of its own. I can't remember the last night I didn't spend having at least one panic attack about what I was going to do and when I'd find time to do it.
My father has decided to re-emerge in my life just in time to criticize me for having panic attacks in the first place, and to tell me that I have no right to be angry with people for hurting me.
I can't manage to find time to clean my apartment. I can't even find time to rearrange my binders. Now I have to deal with someone else's issues with me - issues that I am in no way permitted to respond to the way that I'd really like.
And on top of all of it, to have no reassurance that it's all worth it. If I go to bed tonight with this heaviness on my heart, will it matter in the morning? Or will we come to the same conclusion - that even with everything that I've done for the people around me, it isn't enough to keep me in their lives.
I shared more with you than I've shared with anyone. You know more intimate details of who I am and what I've experienced than any other person in my life. Now I feel like I can't trust another person again, because you are threatening to turn your back on me. How will I ever know that when I meet someone, I'm seeing their authentic self, and not some facade that will disappear two years from now?
I will never be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately.
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind.
I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I've got to do or who I'm supposed to be.
I don't want to be anything other than me.
I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn.
I'm surrounded by identity crises everywhere I turn.
Am I the only one who's noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned."
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23