First, the terrible. It became abundantly clear to me that I would never be able to operate in my master's program with a modicum of autonomy if I didn't take a break. I opened up and poured out my heart to me supervisor, sharing everything I had been bottling up all semester.
I know why people were concerned last semester. I was having ridiculous panic attacks every time I tried to leave my apartment. It was scary. But even as I made strides to get better, it's as though it didn't matter. The faculty seems to have in their collective minds an idea of what's wrong with me, and they will not let go of it. And I cannot fight any more.
My supervisor said that their first step is to always suggest that someone take time off. It's ask though you can't possibly be a student and have a problem. You must quit, deal, and then start up again. So, I refuse to be under constant watch. As of this week, I am no longer a student.
Not a student and not employed. I'm feeling a little confused.
I finally told my mom about the job situation. She was supportive, as I knew she would be. I just couldn't bear the thought of disappointing her. Since I was a small child, I've felt as though I can't be weak around her. It's why I had such a hard time telling her about losing my virginity, and why I still cannot tell her that I was raped. As supportive as she is, I don't want her to be hurt.
But on to the beautiful. Casey and I are finally a real couple. Not that we haven't been gallavanting around, masquerading as one, but this is quite different. For the first time in my life, I am truly and honestly in love, and suddenly everyone else's d-land posts about their relationships aren't so tedious.
It's so overwhelming that to really sit and consider it makes me cry. I always had these dreams, just as probably every person on the planet, that I would have something so great - that I could meet someone who was not only my intellectual and spiritual equal, but probably surpassed me in some respects. But I think there was always this voice inside that crept through, telling me that I would never realize my fantasies, that I didn't deserve it.
But it has been the one thing I could hold to this week, after losing nearly everything by which I had identified myself for 20 years. And I'm still happy.
Okay, I'm sorry if this made anyone a bit nauseated. It would probably do the same to me if I weren't myself. I'll return you to your regularly scheduled loathing and narcissism next time.
If they asked me, I could write a book
about the way you walk and whisper and look.
I could write a preface of how we met
so the world would never forget.
And the simple secret of the plot
is just to tell them that I love you a lot,
and the world discovers as my book ends
how to make two lovers of friends
- Harry Connick, Jr.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23