Lately, I've been having a lot of panic attacks. In the back of my mind, I know why - thanks to the trauma seminar I took last summer (the one good thing I got out of my great counseling education at UK). The body remembers things when the mind doesn't. So here goes, in one week, on the 14th, is the 10-year anniversary of the date that I was raped. Every year around this time, I get kind of jittery and sensitive, but for some reason, whether it's because I'm more aware of it, or because it's some landmark anniversary, this year, my body is out of whack. It tends to happen when I'm totally alone, and unfortunately, that includes while I'm driving.
I know that I need medication, at least until I can afford a therapist. I never fully dealt with it because my last therapist, the one my mom made me see, was one of those pastoral types. Unfortunately, in religiously-themed counseling, the issue of forgiveness is strong. I don't think I will ever be able to, nor should I ever have to forgive this person for what happened. It's bad enough that I have to live with the fact that I never reported it, and spent a long time thinking it was my fault. It's even worse to think that at high school reunions, this punk will be there, with that sick smile that I will never forget. But I will never, as long as I live, forgive this guy.
The other big issue when I was in counseling before was this whole idea of telling my mom. When my parents divorced, I became really protective over her, and made this unspoken vow that I would never intentionally hurt her. The idea of having to tell her this still makes me nervous. But I think I have to. My doctor is in Ohio, which means that she can call him with no long-distance fee, and she'll want to know why. And I think it's time to tell her.
You'll get an update on how that goes, I suppose.
I'm really nervous about having to talk about this to her, and then to my doctor (a man who has treated everyone in my family). But, I'm really tired of having this come back to haunt me every June.
I'd also like to thank the people who were supportive of my issues yesterday. It probably doesn't help things that Mom just rocked my world last night with her little revelation. I'm a little overwhelmed, my roommate is off spooning the great Todd and my boyfriend is out of town for a few days. Perhaps I shall spoon the cats tonight.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23