My dad called tonight. Well, actually he usually calls every night, but that's to hang up on me as soon as I answer the phone. Well, tonight he actually spoke when I answered. Miracle upon miracle. I figured that now would be as good a time as any to tell him that I'm actually not going to be graduating in May, like he had always planned, but that I would be staying here another semester. This was not news that he wanted to hear. Honestly, he wanted me to already be finished with school by now. (Don't ask how that's possible; it's his warped little mind, not mine). Well I would've been, if I had stayed with my original plan of Biology/pre-med, but somewhere along the line, I realized that the dream I had had since I was 4 of being a pediatrician was not meant to be. Instead, I switched my major at the end of my sophomore year to psychology, and started a whole new plan of attack.
I guess I should explain why he would be mad that I'm staying here. He has specified that I am not to get a job. He offered to help me out financially with school (okay, he sends $200 every 2 weeks), but only if I promise not to work, cause he wants me to keep my grades up. Last semester, I got a job and didn't tell him (and I worked all of 9 hours a week - yeah, that barely classifies as work) and he found out one night and my ass was toast.
Well, sorry, Dad, but staying here is something that I have to do for ME. Everything I do is for other people. I waste my time listening to everyone else's petty bullshit and drive them around and help people study and buy them shit, and FOR ONCE, I have to do something with me in mind. Do you think that would be okay?
I didn't actually say any of that. What I said was, "I think it would be best for me if I made this decision," to which he replied, "Maybe it would be best for you if I just keeled over and died right now and you got the life insurance policy." No, dad it would be best for me if you didn't always say things like that. That would be best for me. Besides, probably, just to get back at me he would leave me all his debt. Did I mention that he actually got a credit card while he and my mom were getting divorced and forged her signature on it, then proceeded to charge up obscene amounts of money on it, then file bankruptcy so she would be left with the debt? Do we put the fun in dysfunctional or what?
Well, you know what? I never asked for his help in school. That was a decision he made. It's not my fault that he now works 2 jobs to send me this money. I didn't fucking ask him to. He thinks that he pays for so much of my education and he doesn't. I have student loans out the ass. My mom pays half of my rent. His money goes towards groceries, gas, and any other spending money. Oh, and car repairs. That is it. I can't even cry about this anymore. It used to be that every time I would talk to my dad and he would make comments like, "well, you would just be better off if I was dead," and my personal favorite, "I don't know why I have a family anyway. All I do is clean up after them and give them money," I would burst into tears before I got off the phone. Now I just want to throw him from the quasi-balcony. Not a jury in the world would convict me.
I'm really not this angry and crazy. Maybe I am. I hope not, though. I just have a lot on my mind right now, and that little conversation right there did not help matters at all. The thing that he does that hurts me the most is when I try to tell him I love him and his response to me is, "whatever." That is a really hard thing to stomach from the person who is supposed to lend you support. The person who, more than anyone else, feeds your self-esteem. The person who teaches you what to look for in a potential mate. Am I doomed to spend eternity with someone like him? I would rather live with frogs and rats and spiders.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23