Yet another day in my life of constant cognitive dissonance. I went to church last night, as I do every Sunday night, in some pathetic attempt to make myself feel better for all of the things I may have said or done in the past week that could be wrong. Lately I've been feeling as though my permanent struggle in trying to attain some unreachable goal of perfection and purity is sending me into some sort of depression. Every time I feel that I may have figured out who I am and the kind of person I want to be, I am forced into a situation which causes me to act in the complete opposite manner.
Since the beginning of the semester I have been attending the Southland 608, which I find offsets my hedonistic lifestyle. Recently we have embarked upon a series entitled "Fatal Distractions - the Seven Deadly Sins." Actually, I could not list for you now said sins (I was attempting to do so in the shower), but I know that lust is one of them, and I knew this message would soon come my way. Last night was apparently the night chosen to discuss this topic.
Now, as I've said before, and if you have spoken with me for more than 20 seconds, you will know that I freely admit to having the sex drive of a seventeen year old male. I used to feel badly about this until it was brought to my attention that my biological mother and father (yes, I am proud to say I was adopted...add that to the list of things that make me strange) were fifteen and fourteen, respectively, when I was born. Therefore, it is simply in my blood to think about sex all day long. Add to this situation the fact that my parents used to make such a big deal out my being attracted to someone when I was younger. Enter Walter, the object of my desire for more than half of my life. What? Yes. Now, I will say that I am fairly sure that he used to know this information, considering that before my father left the ministry, he used to ocaasionally give sermons at our church, at which Walter and myself were both members. One beautiful Sunday morning, when I was about 10 years old, my father (who loves to talk just to hear himself speak) was going on and on about something - I was not paying attention until I heard my name. I come to the realization that my father is speaking on the topic of how children grow up so quickly, and then he did something that I feel had a profound effect on my life to this day. He actually felt the need to tell everyone in the congregation that I had my first crush, he was sitting in the congregation, and then my father gave Walter's name. Nice.
Cut to October, 2001. The Southland 608. Hopefully, he has forgotten about all of this, as he is sitting in the seat right next to mine for this fantastic discussion. We had several guest speakers last night, but one of them told us to close our eyes and picture every person we have lusted after...ever. I am thinking "Do you have all night, cause we will be here a while." There is probably not a single male that I come into contact with that I don't think of in some sexual, or as they refer to it, "degrading" context. Sorry, but this is the truth, and I feel the need to spill my guts, so to speak. Then, I was thinking, "I could just look to my right, because right there is a big chunk of my attention." Sometimes I wonder if other people can read my thoughts, and no one is telling me because they are too embarassed to say anything about it. I think that because of my constant use of facial expressions, people, for the most part can generally tell what's on my mind, but maybe I am assuming too much about other people.
So, I really don't have these strong feelings for Walter as I once did, but now I am guilt-ridden because I know that I did for many years, and I'm sure that I degraded him (the speaker also informed us all that when you have these thoughts about another person, you enter into an adulterous relationship with that person. Wow! I am way more active than I thought).
I feel as thought I am simply rambling now, but I need to say this all and get it out into some form of written expression so I can look at it, chew on it, and deal with it.
We then had another speaker who used to be in the porn industry. Another one of my weaknesses - I likes me some porn. Not all the time, and it has to have some sort of plot, but I don't know. Porn = fun. All night I kept hearing about men and their issues. Men and their degrading thoughts about women. Men and their porn. Men this, men that. There wasn't too much discussion of women with regard to this topic, except to say that women will give sex for love and men will give love for sex. Odd, isn't it? It makes me wonder why, if we are all to remain so chaste and pure, we were made this way? I have so many questions about this.
Well, all of the talk about love and sex and porn and lust makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me. Here I am, to my knowledge being 100% female, and yet I apparently struggle with issues that only males struggle with. Can this be right? I don't think so. I spent enough time in the sorority house to know that I am not the only one with an active sex drive. And I am not the only one who has seen porn. (For God's sake, we actually have had "porn nights" on the third floor, but I will not divulge to you the captivating plot lines of such favorites as "Eros Instinct" and "Crash.") So I'm wondering why this is treated, especially in church, as a male issue. It's not. And it just confuses me to hear pastors, ministers, and guests lecturers talk about it as thought it were.
Sorry about the lengthiness of the entry, but I think after having written this all down, I can better understand what is going through my mind right now. Thanks for listening.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23