It probably seems as though I rag a lot on Gina. The truth is that I'm not entirely against the whole clubbing thing. In fact, when Gina and I were younger, we used to love to go out "clubbing" (unfortunately in Cincinnati, when you're 18, pretty much the only place you can go is Oscar's which is quite possibly the nastiest hangout ever invented. It seemed much cooler to us then). But back then we went out because we loved to just hang out with each other. It was about going out and spending time with your friends and looking like an idiot because you can't dance (at least we can't, although I think the donkey dance is a classic) and not caring because you are with the people you care about most. I don't know when this happened, but now it is just about meeting guys. That's the reason I get so pissed. Because it's not about that for me. Based on reasons that I will not go into, I refuse to date someone who is not a good friend to me first (suffice it to say that I had a really bad experience in high school), which basically rules out the possibility of my finding a meaningful relationship in this environment. Not that I'm even looking for one. I don't think I'm ready. Where was I going with this? Where is my Ritalin?
I get so frustrated that she doesn't leave me alone now and respect my decision. If Gina wanted to go just to hang out with me, I would go in a heartbeat, but what she wants is someone to walk her to the front door and then just sit there while she goes off and meets guy after guy after guy.
Sometimes I wonder why we're friends. Honestly, I wonder why I have the friends I do at all. With the exception of Niki and maybe Matt, I have absolutely nothing in common with the people that I consider to be my closest friends. I think it all happened as a result of proximity more than anything. And I guess I have had a lot to do with it, too. A lot of people that I could've been close to, I chose not to be. See, I have this defense mechanism, and if you have not yet experienced it yet, I apologize in advance for the way I will probably treat you, but whenever I feel myself getting too close to someone, I have to find something wrong with them, so that I'm not. I hate that about myself, but I guess that's kind of what happens when you have a whole dependent/avoidant approach to relationships. The people I am closest to now have been there and have stuck with me through my times of withdrawing from them. I wish I didn't act this way, but I can't stop myself from doing it.
Gina and I are like night and day. I'm as quirky as she is conventional. In a group situation, I have to be the center of attention (I still don't think I have an attention complex, thank you very much), while she is content to disappear into the closest wall. I am a bundle of energy and excitement; she is very low-key. I am on a constant roller-coaster; she has yet to show any form of emotion to me. I am so close to my mother that sex is basically a staple as far as topics of discussion are concerned; Gina thinks that she would rather die than discuss any of that with her parents. This could go on and on for days, but I guess you get the point. I guess people change a lot, too. When I first started hanging out with Gina, things were a lot different. She seemed so funny. I was needing someone in my life who didn't go to Asbury and I could actually talk about things that were "taboo" with. Now it seems like we just are on 2 entirely different paths.
So, I hope people aren't thinking, "Man, this girl hates her roommate." I don't. I love her in my own way, I guess, but I'm just trying to figure out how, in 4 years, either she or I has changed so much, living in all of the same places. It's kind of sad, really. I guess that's why when I do finally come across someone who has something in common with me, I go bonkers. It's like this whole new wonderful experience.
The end.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23