"Cancer - You've been so immersed in deep longing that you're having a hard time sorting out what'a real and what's not."..."However at your inner core you know your true emotions, and the time has come to let go of your attachment to the past. During the next six months, don't be afraid of your intense passion, and you'll move out of a painful situation and find your way to an intimacy in which you'll feel truly cherished."
Good, it's about damn time.
The whole reason this struck me so much is that it is related to my funky mood last night. Okay, it all goes back to something Niki said to me a while ago, but it finally made sense yesterday as I was walking to class (this is when I do all of my deep thinking).
The other day Niki and I were on the phone discussing the whole relationship thing. For me, it was completely out of the question until I could find myself NOT being attracted to complete losers, which I think is finally happening. Anyway, Niki was asking about different guys that we know, and I just kept saying, "I don't think this person is right for me," or, "No, not him, either." Finally, she said, "I don't think you WANT anyone to be right for you."
Wow.
At the time, I just blew it off, but while I was walking yesterday, it hit me - she's right. Even when I was with Lance, it definitely wasn't exclusive (which was more my decision than it was his). And I just started discovering all this shit about myself. I am utterly petrified of being in love with someone. There's no way around it. I crave affection and attention, but I never want to allow myself to become vulnerable enough to really accept it, so I generally just push it away. I don't want to get hurt. I tense up when people hug me, no matter who they are, even my mom.
I guess this is something I really have to work on. I know I don't want to be alone forever, and who's going to put up with me like this?
So, I'm not a total loser for not being out on a Friday night. I decided that I didn't want to really do anything, just sit here and really think about this. It's just so strange when you suddenly discover something about yourself that you REALLY don't like.
Oh, Shelly and I are also decorating for Christmas right now. This is my all-time favorite time of year, hands down. No, it doesn't have to do with the whole getting presents thing. As much as I embody the definition of an only child, I LOVE to give people stuff, not necessarily receive it. There's just this whole spirit of happiness and love everywhere and it makes me feel really peaceful.
Well, I feel better now. I'm off to have some pizza and cheesesticks! Yum!
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23