I know you're all thinking, "Yay, thank GOD, my prayers have been answered!"
Screw you for thinking that!
My throat still hurts. But you want to know the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me? Little Matty brought me popsicles (and shaving cream, but that's not relevant). Hooray! Everyone should bring me frozen goods unexpectedly!
I've been reading Cosmo, you know, and there's this whole article about bringing out your best features. Unfortunately, they only gave you three options - your eyes, your mouth, or your hair. I'm way sad about this because I think really my excessive amounts of moles are my best feature, and I got no tips on how to play THOSE up. So, I decided that since I have NO LIPS (see previous entries for my discussions of this issue) and I'm going bald, so the hair is out. I'm just gonna go with the eyes. Unfortunately, no one has ever taught me how to use an eyelash curler, which, apparently, is madatory. I always poke myself in the face many times. Also, I can't use a round brush, but that's another issue.
Good thing I'm such a natural beauty.
I'm just gonna talk about a problem we're having here lately. The problem is with male celebrities' hair. Come on, boys! The long, messy, greasy look is not attractive. I'm just gonna address you kids one by one. First, the boy bands:
Kevin: you have grown a funky mullet. You are an embarassment to the state of Kentucky. I know you can afford to get a proper haircut; please do!
Howie: Remember when you were cute? I do. Now your hair looks like some sort of lesbian biker chick do. Stop it, you're hurting my eyes.
A.J.: Welll, at least as a blonde, you look better than you did before when it was blue. Remember when you looked like Sonic the Hedgehog? That was scary. Don't do it again.
J.C.: Oh my goodness. Don't you understand that you were so much cuter with short hair? Fix it! The curly mullet afro is not attractive!
Allrighty, now for you other boys:
Um, Brian McFayden. Dammit, you were so fucking cute! Cut your hair now! You look like some girl sat on your head.
Also, Jimmy Fallon. Honey, I love you! You are so damn cute. Please cut your hair soon or I will be forced to drive to New York and fix you myself. How do ya like them apples?
So, now that THAT'S out of my system, I also need to talk to the boys in general. Gina's recent issue with the boy upstairs - the chronic drooler - has left me feeling as though I need to address the smooching issue. Okay, boys, I didn't know it was possible for some of you to be bad kissers, but apparently it is, so take heart. PLEASE do not jam your tongue down our throats like you're looking for some food lodged in our esophaguses. I guarantee that the lip action/minimal tongue approach will get you more. Promise. Also, if you notice that the girl needs to wipe her face when you're finished with her, you have a drool issue. Do yourself a favor and keep a spitoon by the bed. Thanks so much. One more thing. be aware of the size of your mouth. Do not try to engulf a girl's mouth with yours, okay?
Well, that should solve the problem! I should SO fight crime.
Oh, finally, for God's sake, loosen up! If you are all tight-lipped, you're gonna put us right off.
NOW, I'm finished.
I had a super night! Niki and Matt and I ate at Nagasaki! Woo! I always feel so smarmy when I eat there, even if I AM hacking up a lung while at the table. Then we proceeded to Target - um, will someone please tell Matt that Carribean-themed bed clothes are not really the way to go to impress the ladies? Because he's not listening to me. Speaking as a lady, sort of, I guess, I find it utterly unattractive! Is anyone else here with me?
Then we went to the movies to watch Slackers! As much as I thought this movie would suck, it wound up being extra hilarious. Go see it if you're in the mood to scream and laugh. And see huge nipples.
Well, I must be off now! I have to do this thing called studying, for I have a test tomorrow at 9:00! Have I started studying yet? Not yet!
I rule!
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23