Dad's pissed cause I haven't been home since Christmas. There really isn't very much for me in the fort anymore to go home to. The only people I talk to anymore from high school are all here.
Except for Eric, and I don't even want to get into THAT anymore.
But when I do spend time with him, I spend the vast majority of that time being pummeled with guilt because I DON'T spend time with him. Which, of course makes me want to spend less time with him.
So, he sent an email today, very upset with me for once again not coming home this weekend. But also, he says that we need to talk about what I'm gonna do after graduation. Like that's his decision to make or something.
I really do appreciate his help in college, honestly. But, I don't think it's fair of him to hold money over my head constantly. Like if I make a decision against his wishes, then he'll take that away from me. Or maybe I think the money is a metaphor for something else, like love or approval.
Or I've been spending too much time psychoanalyzing things.
Regardless, he doesn't understand that he can't have control over the things I do anymore. And I can't tell him about it. The thing with his disease is that he sees the world in black and white. And I am an angel until I try to correct him in any way. Then suddenly I turn into the worst daughter in history, the most self-absorbed person he knows, or satan incarnate.
Although he's an athiest, so I don't really understand where that argument comes from.
For so long, every decision I made wasn't really a decision of my own choosing, but something he wanted. Wnat examples? Look at every musical instrument I've ever played. I remember suffering through countless hours of oboe lessons, which I HATED, but had to do it. My dumb dad went to some concert and decided he liked the oboe, so that's what I got for Christmas one year. I don't even want to go into how much I despised the piano lessons. Although I am glad now that I can play the piano. It's a good outlet for stress.
The biggest decision I made because of him was to transfer. Yes, kids, the secret is out. I didn't leave Asbury because of my liberal attitude. No, I left because my dad convinced me that no one would take me seriously if I had a degree from some tiny liberal arts college (liberal arts? That's damn funny!) and that instead I should transfer here.
Not that I wish I were still there or anything. I'm glad I'm here, but I wish that I could be able to make ONE decision about my future or about who I even am as a person that I don't feel like he had a hand in.
And people who know me will tell you that I am absolutely terrible at making decisions. This is why. I never really had to do it.
Argh, I'm sorry that this is on my mind, but I just had to let it out. Also, props to Casey for listening to me earlier. And you definitely lifted my spirits.
Bye, all!
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23