I've just been sitting here on IM chatting with Susan, my friend from home, and this whole time I just keep wondering why we are friends.
Honestly, I know that sounds mean, but I just do.
I have a sort of clique from high school - all people that I talk to and am cordial to, but we really aren't close.
I think I've never really felt emotionally attached to any of my friends.
I mean, I love Susan, I love Gina, I love Tiffany, and I love Alyssa (yeah, 5 people, 2 Alyssa's. Go figure.) I respect them as people. But when something goes wrong, I don't cry in Gina's arms. I've never hugged any of them, I think. I wish I could. I've always wished for that kind of relationship with my friends, where they really know the person I am. We don't have to be happy all the time. I just feel like there's this giant wall between all of us.
So why should I want to go home, to spend time with these people that I really don't enjoy? And the more I've been thinking about it, the more I realize that none of my friendships from high school, elementary school, even my friends at Asbury, weren't like that.
Susan is going through a really rough time right now. We're all gone, and she works a lot. She's extremely depressed, and I WANT to help her. I want to be there for her. I want to wrap her up and kiss her forehead and tell her she's beautiful and a good person. I want to do all those things, but there is so much emotional distance between us.
I think I really want to be attached to people, but it just doesn't come naturally. And the people I hang out with now are amazing. Be patient with me if I can't think of the right things to say. I'm trying.
And one of these days I might show up and need to be held while I cry.
I think it's about time I had the kind of close friends you only read about in books and see on tv. I've always wanted them.
Well. This was a strange entry.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23