"So what? So I've got a smile on, but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head. Don't believe me when I say I've got it down."
I have never felt more out of control of my own life than I do at this moment. It was as if suddenly the realization of EVERYTHING I need to take care of hit me at once, and I couldn't get my mind around it.
I just laid on the floor of the bathroom and cried for a good 15 minutes. I think it was a good thing for me. The cold tile was soothing.
When I feel like this, there is definitely an apparent distinction between what I want and what I need. What I want is someone who will just go nuts with me. Probably what I need is someone to calm me down and help me look at things in a more organized manner.
After my emotional breakdown earlier this evening, I had calmed down and gotten to work again.
So I was doing okay, trucking along with my studying when Gina starts screaming.
I've learned in this apartment that it's never good when Gina screams. I always end up donning my cape and tights and saving the day.
Gina had placed her sheets in the washer to remove some, um, protein deposits she discovered there minutes earlier. (The deposits were courtesy of her Saturday night visitor, whatever his name was. Thanks!) The washer completely overflowed.
I'm learning that I have a gift for keeping a cool head in emergencies. (This is good, since I seem to not be able to keep a cool head in any other situation). When something catastrophic happens, it is Gina's responsibility to look at it. Tonight, she was just staring at the huge puddles of water on the floor, and asking what she should do. It is my responsibility to actually HANDLE the problem. I fashioned a makeshift scoop out of some tupperware (fairly ingenious, if you ask me) and called Shelly to see if we had a mop.
Just something else to signal that my life seems to be spiraling out of my control.
In a way, the icing on the cake is that it seems like everyone around me knows what they're doing, even just for the summer. I have no idea. Although this shouldn't be at the top of my list of things to worry about, it suddenly is.
I put so much pressure on myself that I literally can't handle it when other people put pressure on me. I know I can come across as laid-back about schoolwork; in reality I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start.
At this moment, however, I know that where I need to start is getting my ass back in the books for this test tomorrow. Crisis averted, adrenaline slowing, mind clearing...
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23