Shut up.
I feel like a zombie! And today is NOT a zombie day at work.
Thanks to Becky, who freaking RULES for driving my buzzed ass to Kroger's last night. Go die people for C batteries. Leave me alone.
I was buzzed thanks to the CLEAR L.I.T. I had at Comedy off Broadway.
And while we're on the subject of alcohol - well, we weren't really, but we are now - because my friends worry that they will have to carry me out of the clubs tomorrow night, I'm going to provide for you the stages of my drunken behaviour. These may or may not be exclusively mine, but this way, at least you'll know the warning signs.
I like to call this Alyssa's Downward Spiral of Shame:
Stage 1: "Huh?" During this stage, the eyes get glossy, and I have difficulty following a conversation. This stage may be hard to detect, considering that I generally don't know what's going on anyway. The "huh?" stage usually last about 30 minutes, when I progress into...
Stage 2: "Shhhh." Okay, kids, when I start shushing you, you can be sure that I am on my way to having a goooood time. This is also the stage where I start mixing up letters in words (Look! It's the 4 horsemen of the a-COP-alypse).
Stage 3: "I love you guys." Okay, in stage 3, not only do I feel the need to tell everyone in the party just how much I love them, but I also like to recount the story of how we met, and how long we have known each other. This stage is also where pole dancing, lap dancing, and molestation of Canadian goalies creep into play. This stage can last anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes, depending on how soon I run across a mirror, which is when I progress to...
Stage 4: "I'm sooooo pretty." If I only had nearly the amount of confidence sober as I do when I've been drinking, I would be running the planet by now. I think it's a form of beer goggles, really. This is also about around the time that I start wishing I could get on the computer to compose "love notes" (I love you like the oceans cross the seas! I love you like sands through the glass of a half-empty glass of milk!) and write a diary entry to tell all of YOU just how pretty I think I am.
At this point it is wise to cut me off. If not, I stagger into...
Stage 5: "Let's all spoon." This is when I proposition everyone in the room (just ask Becky's mother) for a good night of spooning. I don't think I've ever spooned in my life, and I don't know where this obsession comes from. During this stage is also where I tend to overshare to the extreme.
I almost never make it to the final stage, but if I do...
Stage 6: "I'm sorry." You know how some people's biggest flaws really become apparent when they've been drinking? Well, my biggest flaw is that I apologize for EVERYTHING. If you know me very well at all, you probably already know that. This is also where I do my crying, if I'm going to do that. And, I've been told, this is the stage where I need help walking.
I don't really know about that. I never remember anything past stage 4.
So, see? There is no need to worry about having to carry me out of anywhere. As long as I manage to keep myself around the "I love you guys" stage, everything will be JUST fine.
I cannot wait to get home and take a nap. Seriously. That is the LAST time I stay up that late.
No, I don't have a problem. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23