2002-08-27
9:00 a.m.
Don't even read this one. It's too depressing.

So my dad called last night...that was interesting. As cool as he's been about everything that I've been through, he still has a bit to learn about comforting another person. I told him my most recent revelation (I have these nearly daily, so get over it) - that I am fundamentally unlovable. In return to such a statement, sometimes it's at least nice to hear your own FATHER tell you that maybe you're not. Instead, the only response I got was that I'm not ready (am I ever going to be ready?) and that perhaps I should go to church.

What the fuck is that? My father's an atheist. Dammit, I dare say that religion is the last thing I need right now. Plus, I'm not taking spiritual advice from someone who thinks the world is not only utter shit, but everyone in it is out to get him.

So I'm here at work, more befuddled than ever and I literally just poured my heart out to Hottie McMaintenance Boy. Well, for once he wasn't pissing me off, and Jim-Bob's not here, and it was just nice to talk to someone who isn't either completely embroiled in MY drama, or in their own. At least he made me feel a little better; he was sharing with me some story of pitting tarantulas and snakes together in a winner-take-all battle royale while he was in the marines. I dunno. The thought of a spider as a pet cheers me up. I'm weird like that.

Plus, he FINALLY told me what I had wanted to hear all along (No, not the bit about being unlovable). Everyone around me is giving me some bullshit about my not being selfish. Say it all you want, I don't buy it. Hottie Mc etc. actually stared at me in a mixture of dusgust and disbelief as I relayed every gory detail of my personal life from the past couple of months, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "Have you lost your fucking MIND?? How on earth could you be so selfish?" Perhaps it was a bit harsh, but it's good to have another person confirm your suspicions.

And then he told me about the spiders.

It's times like these I wish I were still in the band, or at least around a piano. Something about banging out a tune so fiercely that it's nearly unrecognizable is cathartic.

In happier news, my grandma sent me a gift card for Target yesterday! I'm so completely thrilled. I'm going to go buy a vacuum cleaner and clean the shit out my apartment. Believe it or not, I've had dirty dishes in my sink since last weekend.

My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23