With graduation a mere couple of months away, you would think I would look at the whole experience as the beginning of something new. I see it as a giant dead end. Of course, I'm not the first person to feel threatened by the thought of leaving what's comfortable to come to the same stupid job with the same stupid people everyday. I'm completely bored with my life, bored with my dull apartment, bored with everything, but the thought of changing, having to actually GROW UP one of these days, going to grad school...it's all so overwhelming that I don't want to do any of it.
Consequently I have finally made an appointment to go talk to someone about it. Well, someone besides Casey or Matt. I 3000% love my boys, and they know it, but when either one of them actually gives me some sound advice, I feel like crying. I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I average something between 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night, and whenever I PLAN to take a nap, I end up getting sidetracked, and it doesn't happen. I am completely mentally and physically exhausted and feeling utterly lackadasical about the entire prospect of even existing anymore.
That makes me sound depressed. I'm not depressed. I'm tense as hell. No doubt this therapist person will fry me up a valium sandwich or something. I've always had anxiety disorders, even from the time I was little. From as long as I can remember, my mother has referred to me as "Worried Walrus" - a callback to the Sweet Pickles' book series, where one character, a walrus (imagine that!) would worry about every little detail, and as a result wouldn't get anything done, because of the possible consequences. We took an anxiety quiz in my AP Psych class in high school and I scored off the charts.
You would think, being a 5th year psych major, that I would have my shit more together than this. That, with my future career goals of BEING a therapist, I would know better than to go for a while without seeking some sort of respite from all of this. What can I say? I'm good at dishing out advice...I'd just sooner eat brussel sprouts than actually take it.
So, hooray for impending sanity.
Last night I determined that it was more important to spout off lines from the song "Tarzan Boy" than have an actual conversation with someone.
And because I hate being completely sullen, I must share with you the absolutely hilarious irony that I was party to yesterday. Every time there's some sort of seminar, a group of ISP workers is summoned to go steal office supplies and free food. Yesterday was my turn, as I was virgin to this whole process. So, I stagger over to this little seminar, carring my fresh Starbucks iced chai frappucino. The event?
A diabetes seminar.
Here I am, drinking a concoction of nothing but milk and cream, with enough sugar to send me into a diabetic coma, having to feign some sort of interest in nutritional health, just to steal some pens and granola bars.
Life is funny.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23