1. "Alyssa, you've turned out just like me." - Mom.
2. "Your eyes are so beautiful...when you look into them, you just melt." - Dan (my stepfather).
3. "You were BORN to help people. It's your intrinsic nature. You can no more stop helping everyone around you than you can help the fact that you're a woman." - Casey.
4. "Hey, you don't smell bad. That's got to count for something." - James.
It's been one of those days where I just needed to write that down to remind myself.
On what may be a somewhat related note, Matt's newfound appreciation for emotional attachment has caused me to question myself. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's Matt. In all honesty, he's the first person to teach me what it feels like to love another person, wholeheartedly, unselfishly, but compeltely platonically. I'm amazed by him every day. And any guy who can see a modicum of the beauty he has must be quite intelligent.
My mom's trip here and the in-depth discussion we had about love and sex over the weekend, combined with everything Matt's going through has instigated a string of thoughts in my head about love.
I've had intense feelings for people before. But never what I understand love to be. I'm too jealous. I guess I don't think that I can love someone else if I don't love myself, as new-age-y as that sounds. But how can I trust that someone will want to be with me, no matter what? If I don't think I'm something worth holding on to, why would anyone else?
I think I usually end up feeling a sense of addiction, not love.
It's also part of why I've been questioning my sexuality. I mean, there HAS to be a reason why I'm petrified to open up completely to one person, right?
I mean, the only person who knows me inside and out never COULD get involved physically with me.
Lately, I have been feeling a very intense craving for affection. Generally, I'm a little weird about people touching me, so this is new.
If I walk up to you and just hug the daylights out of you, try to smile and NOT think I'm insane.
And for fuck's sake, hug me back.
Well, I think this is the LAST time I write an entry after popping Vicodin. What do you think?
By the way, feel free to add to the list at the top.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23