Day 5 and counting...
I have been crying every single day, for one reason or another. Thursday and Friday, the waterworks came on for the whole "lack of heat" thing.
Also, I missed Matt. A lot.
Saturday, for some reason, I reached that stage of drunkenness where I just started crying. I can't pinpoint what exactly it was that triggered this reaction. All I know is that one moment I was fine, the next I had smudged mascara all over Casey's shirt at Applebee's.
Last night, as cheeseball as this is, I cried when Matt relayed to me the story of his trip. It was this whole mixture of emotions - from being so very happy for him to wishing I could've been there for, well, most of it, to seeing the person I care about more than anyone else feel so torn and emotional...I think that broke my heart more than anything.
So today? I was doing great. I spent 7 hours at work doing this project for my boss. I felt really important. I felt productive.
Then my dad called. My father and I have been getting along, strenuously, but still. We haven't fought. Aside from the frustration surrounding my GRE scores, we really haven't butted heads too much. Tonight that all came crashing down.
I'm trying to understand why, when I argue with my dad, it upsets me so much. Tonight, the gist of the discussion centered around the fact that I'm dirt poor, am going to school full time against his wishes, and that my health is "frail," as he puts it.
My response:
1. The thought of being 50 and still in school makes me sick to my stomach.
2. I'm in college. I'm SUPPOSED to eat nothing but canned vegetables and soup. I should get a prize for having more than 20 bucks in the bank.
3. My health is not frail. The only medication I take daily is anti-anxiety medicine, which prevents panic attacks caused from prolonged exposure to HIM!
Back to the loving place...
My entire life, he has made decisions for me. When I DID decide that I felt a certain way about something, he told me that I didn't. Even when it came down to my telling him that I loved him. He told me I didn't.
Matt told me last night that I second-guess myself more than anyone he knows. I think this is why.
But, this is a HUGE decision for me. It's completely on my shoulders for the first time - where I'm going, and what I'm doing. And to hear my FATHER...someone who should support me regarless of what I want to do, even if it makes sense or not...tell me that I'm fucking up my life - it really, really hurts.
What's more, he's begun a long-distance relationship (if you can call it that) with a woman in Bowling Green. Now he says he's going to break everything off with her to send me more money. I NEVER, EVER asked him to do this, and I don't want him to. I refuse to be the reason that this relationship doesn't work out, yet I know that I'm going to be the scapegoat in this situation.
My heart is crying right now.
Not to mention the fact that I'm blatently picking fights with people for no other reason than my own shallow, low self-esteem.
Sometimes I feel like the crappy ring in the quarter machines that nobody wants but everyone gets stuck with.
Does anyone else around here want me to get over this depression? I do, I do!
Does anyone have any ecstasy?
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23