I completely opened up in therapy today, and have been basically crying on and off since then. It's extremely, extremely difficult to hear from someone who you have very foreign, very intense feelings for, that they feel absolutely nothing for you.
No, Alyssa, it's not you. I like everyone else, but there's nothing wrong with you.
Tell me not to take that the slightest bit personally.
I came to this realization today that I have never, EVER had a male acquaintance that I didn't become attracted to. It's almost like I'm making some desperate plea to anything with a penis..."Please, somebody, ANYBODY, think I'm attractive! I'll give you a dollar!"
So ultimately I go through all of these ridiculously unhealthy things when all I want is to be loved. But for what reason? To love myself?
I'm not at all ready for a relationship, but does that make it wrong for me to want someone to at least be a bit attracted to me?
As an aside, I think that the lesbian in my group is convinced that I'm doing these self-destructive things because I'm denying my inner lesbian.
My inner lesbian kind of likes boys a little bit, though.
"Somebody love me, come and carry me away. Somebody need me, to be the blue in their gray. Somebody want me, the way I've always dreamed it could be. Won't somebody love me?"
On a really, really positive note, if I can get my personal statement written by Saturday, I'll get to meet Josh and Lani and Lauren. And that makes me happy beyond belief.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23