And I've almost done all of the crossword puzzles on yahoo.com.
My weekend was...interesting. Matt took me to my very first all-gay party, and for the first time in my life, I felt completely at ease from the moment I walked in.
The copious alcohol I consumed may have helped, I'll admit.
Also, I was hit on by a woman, which makes me all kinds of delighted.
I suppose now that I've come clean to the people I needed to tell about this in person, I can finally discuss what happened recently in my life. Basically, all of the cryptic diary entries I was writing had to do with someone I was interested in last summer. After talking, talking, lots of talking, things finally progressed beyond talking a couple of weeks ago. By this point I really wasn't interested anymore in him, particularly since I've expended a large amount of time and energy trying to figure out my own sexuality, and God knows I don't need to be bringing adolescent virgins into the picture.
But I digress.
After what happened, I felt terrified, and stood him up when we were supposed to meet for dinner. Then, we didn't really talk. Long story short, Saturday night, I found out that he wasn't even sure that he WAS interested in me. Apparently what happened between us was just supposed to help him try to understand his feelings about me. What makes me upset is the fact that I feel like I was pursued, and then it's like he tried to reject me. Are you kidding??
I feel like a child right now.
I'm just a little hurt by the whole thing, not because I really had feelings for this person, but for once in my life, I'd love for someone to genuinely LIKE me, you know? And not use me as an outlet for discovery.
I felt ridiculously guilty about my situation with Casey, too. We're not dating, lately we're not really anything, but I have a tremendous jealous streak. I get upset when the kid hangs out with anyone else, so for me to do expressly what I have begged him not to do makes me the biggest hypocrite alive.
And what's weird is, he and I have gotten along better than ever since I told him. I guess part of that was that I was able to tell him how genuinely upset I was about the way things had turned out with the other kid. For whatever reason, although Matt knows me better than anyone alive, it's easier for me to actually admit my weaknesses to Casey. I guess maybe I think Matt will see them anyway.
I'm so 100% rambling right now.
I'm watching a documentary about heroin on MTV right now.
Also, for those of you who DO still read this, please don't think that I'm depressed or anything about what happened. I'm accepting it, and to be quite honest, I feel better after writing this out than I have all week.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23