Can I get a whoop, whoop?
No?
Bueller?
Well, I returned to Lexington somewhere around 5:30 this morning, and I was so exhausted that I couldn't fall asleep!
Anyway, my vacation.
Well, rather than give an exhaustive play-by-play, I guess I'll attempt to summarize.
Okay, so Mom and I arrived in Orlando on a flight filled with approximately 3057.35 screaming children at about 9 a.m. I soon realized that almost nobody in the city was fluent in English, and those that were are total assholes (Taylor, of course, is the one exception, because...well, mostly because he thinks he's gay. I'm still convinced that he isn't. But, I suppose that if I were having sex with him - anal, of course - and he screamed something in the heat of passion resembling "Hey, your hairy back really turns me on!" I could see how it would be confusing. Where was I?).
Okay, assholes.
We nearly got kicked out of a car rental place, then unfairly got a speeding ticket because, although my mother may have been driving slightly over 55 on the Bee Line Expressway, she wasn't keeping up with the pack of cars that flew around her going 85. No, seriously, that's what the bitchy cop told us.
Um, then we got to the cruise. How do I summarize? Lots and lots and lots of food. More food than I've ever encountered. My mother, a woman who has never drank hard liquor in her life, kept stealing my pina coladas and proceeded to drunk-dial my stepfather.
I shall submit this in court one day as evidence for why I am so damn insane.
Our room was absolutely fabulous, complete with a removeable massaging shower head (and I didn't masturbate at all!), a full-sized tub, 2 queen beds, two couches, and finally, three massive windows that overlooked the ocean.
Fucking.
Incredible.
I can now no longer say that I've never been out of the country. Nassau was nice, but not really my idea of a vacation spot. I don't like to be harassed while I'm trying to shop. Every time I took a step I had several people on either side of me, harrassing me...
You see something you like, pretty lady?
I get something for you. What size you need, honey?
What you need, pretty girl? I get you good rainy day* bargain.
*This was also substituted with "going home bargain" or "Friday bargain," depending on the booth.
Hey, sexy mama. I get you whatever you want. It don't cost nothing to look.
Anyway, the whole city was my worst nightmare. We didn't get a chance to relax by the water, but it was certainly an experience.
Also, I got the chance to visit the Hotel Atlantis, which is where I'll definitely be vacationing...as soon as I win the lottery. This place was fucking incredible.
After Nassau, we were shipped to Coco Cay, which is the private island of Royal Caribbean, also located in the Bahamas. It was fabulous.
My one problem on the ship was that, by the third day, I started having massive anxiety attacks. I think part of it was due to motion sickness, and part of it was due to the fact that I was NEVER away from my mother, a woman I adore.
In very, very small doses.
Back in Orlando, we went straight to bed, and then it was off to putt-putt golfing, where I had to carry around all of Mom's stuff, and retrieve her ball wherever it went, in 100 degree heat. Mom had somehow thrown out her back on the ship.
During this time, our last day there, I got sunburned.
No other time on the trip.
Anyway, rather than bitch again about the problems I had with the airport, I'll just say that a massive flight delay and maintenance problem on the plane caused us to spend roughly 8 hours on the airport.
I'm thoroughly exhausted and more than excited to be back. I never thought I'd say this, but right now, there's nowhere I'd rather be than sitting in my apartment in Lexington. I've had the chance to just sit and watch tv, go out to eat, go to the grocery store...
Most importantly, I was dreadfully homesick for Matt and Casey, and that's something that no cruise ship in the world could provide.
And if I run into any of you in the city, don't you dare hug me. I'm in pain.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23