"You bring up times I can't recall, and I'm sure they make your point but I just can't seem to remember."
I'm pretty certain that it's an inherent trait to most women that we cling to most insignificant of points; we remember clearly every possible argument or unpleasant statement ever made.
I started thinking last night before I went to bed about all of this. Sometimes I think I'd like to have a boyfriend just cause I'm too lazy to be single. I'm waiting for someone to show up on my doorstep. So, wherever you are, mister I'm-extremely-slow, email me and I'll give you my address.
Sometimes I think that there's no possibly way that I could ever be in a relationship. I'm so damn good at unhealthy things that I don't know the first thing about funtioning as a girlfriend. And there's this other side of me that advises me to take pride in the fact that I have my own style when it comes to this. Sometimes I don't know if I should change because I don't approach things the way other people do, or if I should just accept that, be proud of it, and find someone who can respect it.
I take a lot of heat for my inherent jealous nature also. It's a little bit difficult to trust another person not to hurt you when you've been cheated on, and when the final straw that broke up the relationship of your parents was that your father had an affair. And I'm certainly not the first, last, or only person to ever have experienced these things, but it doesn't make it any easier to trust someone.
I have a tendency to be fervently guarded, and hide behind my outlandish sense of humour. In other words, if I give people the impression that they're getting to know me by talking about my vagina for an hour, I'm not really exposing myself at all, but other people think that I am. When I am able to let my guard down, I expect someone to be 3000% committed to me, even though I could probably never do the same for them.
This is probably why I befriend men easier than I do women. With most women, I can't be outrageously sexual, and dealing with who I really am terrifies me sometimes. With a man, as The Cho said about herself once, "Sometimes I think I have sex to avoid real intimacy."
I think that I'm experiencing a combination of exhaustion and a lack of Zoloft that is giving me the constant feeling of being on the first hill of a roller coaster. I literally feel this strange rush about every minute or so.
I actually was just crying at work. But that's not for now.
I think what I really wanted to express right now is the fact that I have such ambivalence about getting involved with another person. I'm so utterly confused. My mother has always told me that I need to get my shit together (okay, not in so many words, but...yeah) before I could be with another person. But then she has also said that I need to find someone who loves and respects me for who I am. I don't know which is right.
Speaking of the Cho, Matthew and I will be embarking on a trip to L-ville to see her in concert on Sept. 11 this year. I can think of no better way to spend an evening. Ever. Even if I had a massive gift certificate to Video Max and multitudes of batteries.
Fin.
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23