2004-09-11
1:27 p.m.
Garden State, again.

It seems strange to think that we were attacked three years ago today. I can still remember sitting in class and knowing that something had happened, but our teachers were too focused on having quizzes or teaching their lessons, to stop and catch up on current events. By the time the day was over, I still didn't understand what had happened, or what the big deal was.

Also, this time last year, Matt and I were going to see Margaret Cho. And that was delightful.

I went to see Garden State again last night. I know, I just really liked the movie, dammit.

After, I hung out for a while with Jordan. Although lately I have been a bit more emotionally fragile, there's still something about my relationship with Jordan that always breaks me down. It's kind of strange. What's really weird about it is that I still won't get THAT deep.

For all the time I spend being reflective and contemplative, I have no greater understanding of myself, because I don't let myself go there.

What's really upsetting is the fact that I thought I was actually doing better. But I realized that I still get involved in situations that I know aren't leading anywhere because if I legitimately had real intimacy, I would run away. I even do that in my friendships, I think. I'm not totally comfortable being myself even around people who are supposed to be my best friends. I feel like I'm not totally emotionally present.

So how am I supposed to counsel people and bring them to a place in their lives that I'm afraid to reach myself? I honestly have no idea. I'm kind of irritated with myself that so many things that I thought I had dealt with still upset me.

I don't know, maybe I deal with it better, or at least differently. But I'm still upset by the fact that I have almost no memories from my childhood, and those that I do have involve my dad flying off the handle: throwing things, yelling at my mom, or hitting me. Mom swears that I was actually a happy kid.

I guess that's part of why I can't open up - because we always had so many secrets. And while I joke about not being able to keep secrets, the things I tell are always superficial things.

And as always, right when this is going to get really deep, I'm ending it. But that's because I'm hungry and I want some crackers.

Fin.

My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23