Sorry to keep you all wondering - I did finally talk to my mom yesterday. Actually, I called her and told her I needed to see the doctor because of panic attacks. I was all set to tell her then, but she was kind of preoccupied. My stepdad was back in town after being in Nebraska for a few days visiting family and doing work stuff, and at the time, he and mom were looking at condos.
They've been saying they're going to move for like 92845767 years.
Anyway.
Mom didn't really ask any questions, which I thought was weird, so I just hung up with her. Then, a couple of hours later, she called back and told me I could come home if I needed to, and then said, "Okay, I know something's wrong. What is it?"
So, yeah, I finally told her. And she didn't act at all the way I thought. She didn't cry, which was surprising to me - I don't know why. She did threaten to cut the guy several times. She wanted details about the actual incident, which I don't really like to give, although I tried. She still tried to somewhat force the issue of forgiveness, which is irritating to me, because I still cannot differentiate between forgiving someone and condoning their actions.
Mom says that when you forgive someone, you're saying that you won't be hurt by it anymore. But I guess I see that more as forgiving yourself.
The weirdest thing about it is that I don't feel better, really. I mean, when you tell someone a secret you've kept from them for years, I always thought you were supposed to just feel at peace. I don't. I couldn't sleep at all last night. All I can think now is that my mom knows this about me, and that it's going to change her perception of me, although she swore it wouldn't.
That was the one thing I never wanted...I don't want people to look at me differently or to handle me with kid gloves because of this whole thing. I've always felt like a brochure for what not to do when you're alone with a boy as a teenager. Danger, Will Robinson.
And now, because my diary has been waaaaaaaay too depressing...
I don't know what I did to my vibrator, but the other day, it just went nuts. It started making this high-pitched whirring, screaming noise. Thank God we don't have thin walls, I guess. But, the wiring is on the fritz, too, so it kind of comes on and off. That drives the cats nuts. Now I just turn it on and watch them run around the apartment trying to figure out where the new animal is that I've seemingly brought home. It almost makes me sad that I won't be living with Jack in another couple of months. He has this great learned helplessness, where, whenever he's a bit overwhelmed, his 25-pound frame falls over sideways, and he just bats at the air.
Also, I look like a scary drug-fiend. Since my insurance runs out at the end of this month (I'll be 25), and I won't have any more till August, when school starts again, my mom suggested that I ask the doctor to write a large dosage that I could just break in half or something. Well, he gave me some darvocet for my neck pain and my period pain - no, thank YOU, endometriosis. Well, some is such a relative term. I have a prescription now for 100 freaking pills. I look like someone's grandmother. I've never in my life seen a pill bottle this big.
It's the size of my computer speakers.
Fin
My apologies and a farewell??? - 2005-10-20
It should be Friday somewhere. - 2005-10-03
It's Friday again! - 2005-10-01
Amendment to previous entry... - 2005-09-26
Longer than I intended. It's to tide you over for another week. - 2005-09-23